


Another Ride, Another Time

by Book_Nerd_101



Category: Phan, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Eating Disorders, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, TRIGGER WARNING: suicide and self-harm, Underage Rape/Non-con, unsuccessful attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-11-08 14:44:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11083758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Book_Nerd_101/pseuds/Book_Nerd_101
Summary: Note resolved yet - in the process of rewriting--Dan stepped over the edge and counted the seconds as he flew through the air.With a sickening crack he hit the cement, but something was wrong.He was still alive.People had screamed when he first landed but now they crowded him, checking for a pulse, looking at his pupils, and someone was yelling to call for a god-damn ambulance already.The pain owned Dan’s mind and black clouded his vision, and something wet was trickling down his face. Blood. Dan groaned and once again all of the unfamiliar faces took up all of his vision.That's when he heard the voice. Phil’s voice.





	1. Unsuccessful

**Author's Note:**

> guys this has been really hard for me to write this and i actually had to take a break for over a year because my mental health wasn't doing so great... Guys when you're reading this PLEASE, please stay safe. If you ever feel that you need to stop reading i won't be offended. If anybody ever feels unsafe 1-800-273-8255 is lifeline (a suicide prevention hotline). Once again don't read this if you get triggered and stay safe. This story is going to have a happy ending, and i promise. Thanks so much for your support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys stay safe- stay alive

The ledge seemed like an old friend as Dan walked to it and sat down. He had everything in place,including his note, which he had left on Phil's bed. Tears stained Dans cheeks with salt and as he shuttered, one fell into his mouth, reminding him of the salty seawater, and Dan couldn't help but think about the trip he'd had with Phil a few months ago. 

They had walked along the ocean side, holding hands and sneaking kisses every so often from each other. After walking in the sand, Phil had dragged Dan out into the crashing ocean. The waves that day were wild and Phil fell over much more than once, and many times, dragged Dan down with him. 

A sad smile slouched on dan’s face; thinking about Phil. He had fallen in love with him years before he had ever expressed it, and Dan now wished that he had never wasted that time. Any minute now Phil's would be getting home and see dans note, it was either now or never, more tears spilled over his eyelids and he hid his face in his hands which he now realized smelt of Phil's soap. Dan stood up and shuffled closer to the end. 

He needed to end it, he had ruined his and Phil's relationship and also ruine Phil's life; it was better this way. He could remember the night that it all went wro so clearly that it felt as though he were still there and this was all just a daydream. But it wasn't. He had lied to Phil about what he had been doing that Valentine's Day. Dan had told Phil that he was just buying a few things downtown, which was true; but Dan couldn't tell him what it was seeing as his proposal was going to be a surprise, and saying he'd bought a rwedding band would have given it away. And so, when Phil questioned Dan why he had been gone shopping all day and came home, seemingly, empty handed, Phil had suspected Dan had been seeing somebody else behind his back. 

“Dan, you've been spending so much time away from me. You haven't even let me kiss you in weeks. Daniel- I'm worried about you!” 

“Phil, you don't understand, please, just-” 

“If this is how our relationship is going to be then I don't want it!” Tears had made Phil's eye look like pools of turquoise.

“Phil- please just listen to me-” Phil had stormed out of the room, upset. 

Dan had left the wedding band he had bought for Phil inside the letter, and wore his own now. 

“Until death do us part…” and although they had never actually gotten married, Dan knew that if it weren't for how things had been between them the last few weeks... 

He was now on the very edge and could see the people down below. Somewhere in the distance he could hear police sirens, but instead of finding them annoying like he usually had, Dan listened to them and enjoyed them as if they were a world famous symphony. Everything around Dan was beautiful in a way he had never thought imaginable. 

It was time. 

There were no last words to be said, the sooner he was gone the better. His hands were shaking and were put inside his coat pockets where there was a familiar piece of paper. Retrieving it, Dan stared at the Polaroid of him and Phil drunk on the couch, and dropped it, counting the seconds till it landed on the pavement. One. Two. Three...eight. Eight seconds. Eight seconds of falling and then crashing into the sidewalk. 

Dan stepped over the edge and counted the seconds as he flew through the air. 

With a sickening crack he hit the cement, but something was wrong. He was still alive.

People had screamed when he first landed but now they crowded him, checking for a pulse, looking at his pupils, and someone was yelling to call for a god-damn ambulance already. 

The pain owned Dan’s mind and black clouded his vision, something wet trickling down his face. Blood. Dan groaned and once again all of the unfamiliar faces took up all of his vision. 

That's when he heard the voice. Phil’s voice. 

He had to get away, but he couldn't move. Phil couldn't see him like this. What was he going to do? And oh god! It hurt to even think. 

It felt as though it had been hours of swimming through the pain when Dan realized the flashing lights had arrived and the sirens that he now heard were for him. 

He gasped for air as he was laid down onto a gurney and closed his eyes. 

“No, you don't understand! he’s my boyfriend!” Phil's voice drifted into Dan’s head and the pain threatened for the second time to take over, but Dan hung on, if only to hear Phil's voice one last time. 

"What's his blood type?" a female voice asked. 

"O pos-postive," Phil sounded as though he was struggling to breathe let alone speak. 

Several other questions were asked but Dan stopped listening. 

"Dan, you've gotta open your eyes. You can't sleep right now." said the woman's voice again. But oh how much Dan wanted to sleep. His head was foggy and the pain was unbearable. An oxygen mask was now covering his face.

"Oh god, Dan...Please hold on..."

The blackness struck Dan and this time he didn't fight back.

 

*Phil's pov.*

earlier that day.

Riding the cab back to his apartment, Phil felt as though setting was coming. He didn't know what, but he could feel it; something was off.  
He watched through the foggy window as streets passed and lights blurred. 

Anticipation for the unknown was building in Phil's mind and he fidgeted with the cuffs of his jacket. It was one Dan had gotten him months ago, but Phil pushed away the thought of Dan. 

He was so confused. Ever since their fight the other week, they hadn't talked so much as kissed or touched or loved. Sometimes, as he would be walking through their apartment, he would feel Dan's eyes on him, tracing every movement with his eyes, and Phil would wish he had the courage to look back. 

But he never did. 

That's when he shut out Dan from his mind. Phil didn't want to lose a perfectly fine afternoon worrying about Dan's feelings for him. 

The cab stopped and he reached his hand forward with a small wad of cash to pay for the ride. “Have a good evening,” The driver said, crinkles in the corners of his aging eyes. 

Phil smiled but didn't say anything as he opened the door and climbed out, reaching into his pocket for his keys. He approached the door and immediately realized something was wrong. 

The door was left unlocked. 

Dan never left the door unlocked. Never. He was too afraid of being burgled. Phil shook his head, he was too paranoid these days. 

Phil opened the door and quickly shut it behind him, locking it. 

“Dan?” He called.

No reply came. 

“Dan do you mind helping me with the groceries?" Although they were in a rough patch they would always offer help for each other. 

Silence.

Phil set the bags down by the front door and wandered to Dan's bedroom finding that his door was also unlocked. Something was very wrong. Heading to his own bedroom, Phil got out his phone to call Dan and heard it ring in the apartment. 

Something was very very wrong. 

“Dan? This isn't funny!” Fear filled his voice and anxiety started to control Phil's mind. He walked into his own room and sat down on his bed.  
The sound of paper made him realize he was sitting on an envelope with the label “Dear Phil…” in Dan's handwriting. 

Hands shaking Phil opened it.  
   
*Dear Phil,  
I'm so sorry. I don't know how to say this any was other than bluntly. I'm going to kill myself. By now I'm probably already dead, having jumped off our old apartment building. I want you to know that I, in no way, blame you for these actions. They are my own an I accept that.  
Phil, please don't take the blame for those cause it isn't your fault, it's my own.  
I love you Phil, please never forget that,  
Dan. *  
   
Oh god….what had Dan done?

Phil's mind was on fire and so were his lungs. Oxygen seemed to be a gift that was taken from him. No, no no no. He wouldn't let this happen. Phil slowly regained control of his breathing and stood back up. 

So where was Dan?

That's when he saw something on the bottom of the envelope. Not bothering to see exactly what it was, Phil dashed out to jump back into the same cab whose driver had taken a break for the day but was happy to give it up for a 20 pound tip. The next minutes that passed felt like hours, knowing that Dan could be dead any moment; it was the worst time of his life. Phil felt the car slowing down to a stop at a light and Phil practically jumped out of the car but he could tell that he was too late. He could see Dan on the edge of the building looking at a small piece of paper in his hand before dropping it and watching it fall. That's when Dan held his foot over the edge and.... 

"Dan! No!” 

He was already falling. He crashed onto the pavement with a crack so loud it sounded as though every single none in his body had shattered with the impact. Phil ran forward, past all of the screams and shouts of terror and made his way beside his friend. Several people tried to hold him back but he needed to be there for Dan. 

“Someone call for a god-damn ambulance already!” Said a man dressed in  suit and tie, checking dans pulse. Someone to Phil's right took out their blue and pink cell phone and started dialing the numbers, an almost shouting into the phone. 

“Dan don't leave me, please don't leave… Stay… Please stay…..” 

Dan groaned and opened his eyes, looking at everything and everybody around him; only to curl up and clamp his eyes shut once again. Tears were streaming down both of their faces as moments later an ambulance arrived. 

Everything was moving so quickly Phil almost got left behind. Quickly pushing his way through all of the other bodies, Phil made to to the ambulance.  
“I'm sorry sir, family members only.” Said a woman in a blue uniform who was loading Dan onto a gurney and into the vehicle. 

“No, you don't understand, he's my boyfriend!” Phil quickly stated.

The woman gave him a quick once over before giving him a hand helping him onto the back.

The engine started up again along with the sirens and the woman quickly checked Dan's head, pulse, pupils, and blood pressure before the made it to the hospital. 

“What's this kids name?” She said, finally speaking to Phil.

“Dan- Daniel Howell”

“How old is he?” 

“Eighteen.” Tears started to form again in Phil's eyes, he was so young... 

She went on for the lay few minutes of the hectic drive asking Phil medical questions. But then they were at the hospital and Dan opened his eyes for a moment, locking them with Phil's, tears gleaming. 

"Oh god, Dan...Please hold on...." and Phil knew that he wouldn't have heard but he spoke the words freely, releasing a burden, "I'm so sorry....so sorry." The tears that dragged a frown on his face left tingles as they eventually dried as the hours ticked by; not bothering to wipe away his pain.


	2. Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm too lazy to write summaries so you guys will just have to read to find out --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also everytime I've tried to write this its gotten completely deleted so im sorry if this chapter is crap-

Waking up to see Phil was usually calming but right now all Dan felt was embarrassment. Phil had been waiting in the hospital for hours and there were bags under his eyes. Dan hid his face in the pillow, avoiding eye contact, not wanting to see the disappointment or pain. Tears stained the pillow case with sadness and Dan’s messy “hobbit hair” fell into his eyes. Phil walked up to the bed

“Dan-” Phil’s voice cracked.

“I’m so-so sorry, Phil. I just- I thought-” Jarring hiccups stopped Dan who now was facing Phil, and wrapped his own arms around him. Dan didn't say anything else and neither did Phil. Every time that Dan moved, he could feel his broken bones, and numerous cuts and bruises shriek in pain. Over two hundred stitched held his body together, his skin becoming no more than a potato sack for his organs. Although Dan couldn't bend his arms properly with all the IV's sticking out of them, Dan sat wrapped in Phil's arms. And so they lied there on the chafing hospital bed, Phil still in his clothes from that day, and Dan now in a light blue hospital gown, clinging to each other; neither one wanting to leave.

But after only a few minutes, the nurses asked for Phil to stop talking so Dan could get some rest but instead of heading home like the nurse had suggested Phil stayed, Dan wanted him to leave.

\-----

It had been a couple hours and Dan had just woken up. It was dark outside the windows and the lights in the room were mostly dimmed but it was still enough to see clearly. Dan looked at himself for the first time. He looked at his casts which were bound around his arm and legs, preventing him from worsening the breaks by moving them. He looked at the scrapes and stitches that were sewn into his skin. He looked into the mirror which was hanging across the room from him, watching how the bruises twisted into beautiful purples and blues, making his skin look like a canvas of a night sky.

Then he looked at Phil. His eyes were shut and his breathing relaxed but worry lines creased between his brow, and his eyes still had red rims, even when closed, from the tears he had shed because of Dan. Because of Dan and his stupid decisions. Today he had tried to make Phil's life better, make it simpler; but he had only made it worse. He had only created more pain.  
Tears dripped from his eyes, and Dan brought his hand out of Phil's to wipe them away.

"Oh, bear, what is it?" The nickname had been there for years but the worry on Phil's face was new.  

"I just- I..." Dan couldn't even talk without screwing things up. "W-Why are you crying, Phil?" For a few seconds they just sat there looking at each other before Phil answered.

"It hurts me to see you so unhappy."

"And why the hell would you be stupid enough to care about me?" Dan added with a small laugh that obviously wasn't even half-hearted because honestly he couldn't find anything good about himself that would make someone want to stay through this hell.

Phil looked straight into Dan's eyes while he answered. "Because I love you."

He was lying. That was the only explanation Dan could think of because Phil did most certainly not love Dan. Nobody did.

A few minutes later is when Dan noticed the nurse that was sitting by the door to his hospital room. "Why is she just sitting there?" Dan whispered to Phil, nodding with his eyes to the woman.

"They can't really leave you to be alone here, Dan. You're on suicide watch." With Phil talking at a normal volume instead of whispering she looked up from her book which she had been reading and waved.

Dan scowled.

"I think I need to go to the bathroom." He started to sit up, swinging his legs over the edge before realizing that 1) his leg was in a cast and 2) there were far too many pipes, wires, and tubes coming and going from his body to be able to maneuver that easily.

"Dan-" Phil put a hand on his shoulder and the nurse from the hall walked into the room.

"If you're going to go to the bathroom we'll first need to get you some crutches and second, either me or your friend here will have to go with you."

"Go with me!?" Dan's jaw went slack and his mouth hung open.

 "I'm sorry but you're not allowed to be out of sight of one of us at all times." Her long blonde hair was curled, and freckles dotted her nose, Dan guessed she couldn't be older than 25 at the most. "Sorry," she added with a little bit of sympathy in her voice, her brows ever so slightly creasing together.

"Phil-"

"Yeah I'll help you." Phil finished, sparing Dan the embarrassment of having to ask. "Where are his crutches?" Phil was interrupted by one of the monitors going off, beeping loudly directly into Dan's ear. The nurse walked over to the machine and pressed a few buttons, then looked at Dan's arms. "You need to straighten your elbows- bending them that much is cutting off the IV." As much as Dan didn't care for the tubes giving his body medicines and nutrition, he complied and straightened them more. "Maybe it would be better for now if we just got you a bedpan."

"A wha-...." Realization struck Dan making his cheeks blush and the little patch of skin on his jaw turn rosy.

\---

Ten minutes later Dan was sure that all of his pride was completely destroyed and despite the fact that Dan felt as though he was starving, he refused to eat any of the food brought to him, if only to avoid having to use another bedpan in the future.

(a/n if you don't know what a bedpan is its pretty much what it sounds like: a bin to use the bathroom in when you can't stand up- also I'm writing this at 1 am so I'm sorry if theres a lot of spelling errors)

After that awful experience was over with though, another uncomfortable situation ensued just after. The nurse walked over to the computer which was next to most of Dan's monitors and opened up some sort of form. "Dan, I'm going to need to ask you some questions, these are going to be very personal so maybe would it be best for Phil to take a little break?"

Refusing to look the nurse or Phil in the eye he nodded and Phil stood up and walked out of the room. Dan wanted to tell him he was sorry but was to anxious about what this conversation was about to contain and his voice seemed to be lost. It was only after Phil was gone however that Dan wished for him to be back, holding his hand, and comforting him. Telling him it was all going to be okay. 

“Okay, we are going to start off with some easy ones, okay?" She paused waiting for him to answer, but Dan knew that saying 'no' wouldn't change anything.

Dan nodded.

"Okay, " she seemed to say that a lot didn't she, especially when things were most obviously _not_  okay. "how are you feeling today?"

"Pretty shit," Dan said after a long moment of silence.

"On a scale of one to ten- ten being the highest one being the lowest?"

"One"

"Okay, " Would she just stop it with that? It was starting to get on Dan's nerves. "Are you currently feeling suicidal?"

Silence....

"You can just nod or shake your head if that would be easier," she added, now seeing the tears forming in Dans eyes which were focused on the blue colored sheets of the hospital bed.

Nod.

"Do you have any plans to kill yourself?"

He shook his head 'no'.

"Have you ever purposefully hurt yourself?"

(a/n I'm sorry if this drags on but this was a lot of what my personal experience was when I was in the hospital and i'm not trying to gloss it over at all. If something seems off or wrong about something I write, just leave a comment and I will try and get back to you)

Nod.

"How? How did you hurt yourself? Did you cut, or burn yourself? Or hit your head on a wall?"

"I-" sobs cut him off.

"Hey it's okay- do we need to take a little break?"

Nod.

"Okay,"

Dan wanted to scream. Everything was most certainly not okay. Everything was *fucked*. He was in a god damn hospital because he couldn't even kill himself right. His foot was broken, his head hurt, he was covered in bruises, and he just wanted to be dead.

(a/n: I'm really sorry that this is so depressing guys- but I'm just trying not to make this look like a glorified thing cuz it fucking sucks - okay I'll shut up now)

\----

*Phil's pov*

Phil didn't know what to do. He didn't know if Dan needed space or comfort. He didn't know. And Phil hated not knowing. But he walked back into the room, to the one thing that he did know and love. Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is all that I've rewritten so far and I'm completely changing the whole plot of the story so any future chapters probably won't make sense at the moment- whoops. but im getting there.


	3. And Everything Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> imma just stop doing summaries sry-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but i WILL keep doing authors notes cuz i like to talk to you guys- lol for the first time in about a year i got kudos on this and it made me so so happy so thank you guys sm. :D

currently rewriting this- don't hate me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ////  
> if you guys want to follow me on instagram my account is @chanksploon.your.mum so go there for some good dan and phil memes :) Thank you guys so so much for reading also- like its crazy that at any moment you could just be admiring my crappy writing so thnx


	4. I really don't know...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IN THE PROCESS OF REWRITING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : So sorry I haven't posted a chapter in so long! Please forgive me! Summer has made me lazy  
> Also, sorry this chapter is also kind of short, only a little over 1k...  
> Thanks for all the Kudos! they're deeply appreciated! <3 you all and hopefully you enjoy this chapter!!

Dan couldn’t remember arriving home, or climbing into the wheelchair. He also couldn’t remember the people that he could now hear in his apartment, right outside his bedroom door. 

Rolling onto his side, he found that his painkillers had worn off and that he was now in fresh clothes that appeared to be Phil’s. Dan breathed in Phil’s scent and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders as he gently climbed to the wheelchair and made his way to his connecting bathroom to grab the paper sack wich held his medications. 

Take one pill every three hours 

Dan backed into his room looking for the time on his alarm clock on the bedside cubbie and saw that he had slept nearly six hours! 

He swallowed the pills with a gulp of water and then wheeled himself to the door. It worried Dan to wonder if everybody knew, if he would be judged, if they would all hate him for it. But he was used to that right? His entire life was on the internet--that is, except his very recent life. 

Oh god. How was he supposed to explain that he had tried to kill himself. “Hi internet, I hate myself and tried to end my life… give this video a big thumbs up if you enjoyed and if you haven’t already click that subscribe button to see more of me!” That would go well. 

He was sitting in front of the closed door, just barely deciding that he instead wanted to sleep some more when the door cracked open and Phil’s face came into veiw through the slim opening. A small smile spread on Phil’s lips when he saw Dan, just a few inches away. 

When the door had opened everyone beyond the door quieted, not knowing Dan was awake. 

“There are loads of people who want to see you… “ Phil whispered so quietly Dan was sure nobody else could hear. 

Dan shook his head in a silent “no” and started to make his way back to his bed. 

He heard Phil say a few things to the others there, but didn’t bother to pay attention to what before Phil opened Dan’s door once more, a question in his eyes. 

“You know you’re always aloud in.” Dan put the breaks down on the wheelchair and grabbed the arms for the extra support that his legs wouldn’t give him as Phil closed the door behind himself. But Dan’s arms gave out and he flopped back into the uncomfortable leather. 

“Need help?” Phil’s voice was laughing and caring, and to answer his question Dan raised his arms, like a toddler in a highchair. 

Phil leaned down and wrapped himself around Dan’s middle and helped him to his feet, and kept one arm around Dan’s back right underneath his shoulder blades. With Phil’s support, Dan felt like he was flying, his feet no longer heavy as they took the last few steps together, Dan now holding onto Phil’s waist. But too soon their journey was over as Dan slouched back onto the mattress and Phil stepped away. Dan could hear some part of his mind saying that he shouldn’t seeing as they had both decided on taking their time, and not to mention it was like a scene out of a teenage-drama, but he still took hold of Phil’s hand.

“Please don’t leave… “ Dan’s voice trembled and a look of uncertainty quickly flashed across his partner’s face before disappearing. “I have-I have these nightmares; it’s like I’m still up there.” Dan didn’t need to clarify where ‘there’ was; they both already were picturing the building in their minds. 

After a few seconds of thought, Phil ended up staying, lying on the other side of Dan’s bed, holding Dan’s hand; and for a while everything was perfect. It was as though nothing had ever happened. 

But sleep clawed at Dan and moments after entering that dark tunnel he found himself repeating his moments from that day. It was the exact same. The same pen used to write the note, the same socks he wore, the same ripped jeans, and the same thoughts. The thoughts that he was fixing everything. As everything continued, Dan tried to speak up to his past self, tried to tell him that it wouldn’t solve anything. That it was only going to make his life worse. But it was no use. 

“Stop! You have to stop!” And now he was standing next to himself, trying to pull his past self back, trying to stop him; but it was as though he were only a ghost as his fingers slid right through Dan’s hand. “NO!” 

Time had jumped forward, going faster than the speed limit permitted, and Dan watched his old self drop the photograph. The one of Phil. He had been wearing his favorite blue button-up and had been smiling like a fool; that had been the day Dan had first admitted to loving Phil. They had both been so happy; so simple. 

But things had changed. 

Dan watched, screaming out at he stepped over the edge, but now there was only one Dan. Now they were the same person; now they were both falling. 

And now they were both crashing.

And now they were both crying.

And now they were both screaming. Screaming at themselves. 

In no less than a thousandth of a second, it all ended, and the nightmare disappeared. 

There were arms cradling Dan and a voice whispering that it was okay. That it was just a dream. But that wasn’t true; it had really happened. It wasn’t a dream. It was a memory,  
although neither one of them wanted to come to face those facts. So instead, they were left untouched in a big heap inside of Dan’s mind. 

Once Dan’s tears had subsided and all that remained were choking breaths, he turned in Phil’s arms and looked into his eyes before saying what had been burdening him for too long. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Phil, if I would have just used my head, none of this shit would have happened. I’m sorry.”

Phil reached up and wiped away a stray tear that had come loose from its cage. “Oh Dan.” Now Phil was crying as well. “I-I’m sorry I wasn't there fo-for you.”

They sat there for what seemed like hours, wrapped up in each other's arms, and eventually the tears stopped falling and the only sounds were Phil’s deep breathing and Dan’s hiccups. But those soon passed too and pretty soon Dan’s eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep to the rhythmic beating of his love’s heart.

 

_________________________________________  
Phil  
*12 days earlier*

“He seems to be doing pretty well now.” Jen was speaking to Phil every chance she got now, as though they were long lost friends-reunited. 

“Yeah, they say he should be let out any day now,” Phil smiled at being able to take Dan home. 

“So… “ Jen cleared her throat, and the face she was making warned Phil that this might not be a very happy topic coming up. “You say his body is healing fine, but what about his mind?” Uncertainty danced like a flame in her eyes. 

“What?” 

“Well- suicide attempts- they commonly leave the person feeling as though they started something that they now have to finish. It messes with their minds, and as long as his mind isn’t healed- well, it won’t matter how healed his body is because he could just go about it all over again.” 

It made perfect sense and Phil wondered why he hadn’t realized or taken such things into account. They had been many times during Dan’s checkups where Phil had been asked to leave the room; Phil now worried, not about the questions that had been asked, but about the answers that had been given. 

Phil’s voice was small and broken as he said “I don’t know… “ His hands began to shake and his heartbeat sped up. “I really don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm so sorry this chapter is short and that I haven't posted in forever! I'll be trying to post more often, about once every week!  
> also sorry that I'm crap at correct grammar XD


	5. Far From Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IN THE PROCESS OF REWRITING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm  
> //if you can't read it then don't please//

It had been a week since he got home and Dan was starting to fall back into his daily habits. He still hadn’t posted a video but at least he had gotten back on Tumblr. He occasionally peeked onto Twitter, but tried to avoid it. 

He now no longer used the wheelchair and instead subsided for crutches, which made it much easier to get around. Or at least that had been the intent, but just as Dan thought those words his left crutch got stuck on a cupboard door that had been left open and the crutch was knocked out from underneath him. Dan let out a yelp of pain as he fell.  
That’s when it happened.

Dan was no longer in the kitchen, trying to get a small snack of crisps, but falling through the chilled air after having jumped. 

Dan watched in horror as the sidewalk came closer and closer and gasped as the impact happened. 

No sooner than that Dan was rushed back to reality which was now him wrapped in Phil’s arms, being carefully rocked back and forth on the kitchen floor.  
His legs ached slightly his right arm hadn’t seemed to take the fall well either. 

This wasn’t the first time things like this happened. In fact, almost every other night Dan woke up screaming at his past self that he shouldn’t have jumped, and Phil was always there when that happened; cradling him against his chest. But this was the first time it had every happened when he was awake.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan shook his head “no” into Phil’s jumper, and circling his arms around his waist. 

“Dan, you’re scaring me.” With his head against Phil’s chest, Dan could easily hear when his breath hitched with sadness. “Whenever I look at you all I see is sadness; and then in the middle of the night you’re screaming and I don’t know how to help you. I just… I don’t know how to make it all better.”

“Well, your kisses never hurt.” Dan looked up to find that a smile had spread across Phil’s face, past the tears that had started to brim there. “You know you have a crisp in your hair right?” 

Phil’s hand let go of Dan and flew up to his ebony hair to fish out the crisp that had magically appeared there, neither one of them sure how. 

“Of course I knew it was there!” Phil lied, “I was saving it for later; in case I got hungry.”

A laugh ripped through Dan’s mouth and Phil laughed with them; both having forgotten momentarily what had just happened. 

But the moment didn’t last long. 

After the laughter died down Phil spoke while playing with Dan’s hair. “How’d you fall down anyway?”

“I tripped over one of the cupboards you left open, you dork.” 

Phil blushed with embarrassment and Dan couldn’t help but think of how much he loved it when he blushed; making his eyes seem bluer that ever possible. He was just about to kiss the owner of those eyes when he remembered he had to be at his therapy appointment.

“I’m gonna be late!”

Scrambling to his feet with his crutches he probably looked like an awkward giraffe, but Phil made no comment as he helped him up, arms under Dan’s, and picked up the lone crutch that Dan took gladly. 

 

\---------------------------

 

Dan hated therapy. He was asked so many questions and most of them he never found the answers to; and the ones that he did know the answers never made him feel quite right with himself. 

“Have they gotten any worse?” Dr. Bourish asked, talking about the nightmares. 

Dan nodded. 

“How so?” 

“They’re not just nightmares any more… “

Dan was hoping that was enough but Dr. Bourish said nothing, and looked into Dan’s eyes telling him to continue.

“Well… “ How was he supposed to say this without sounding psycho? “They’re also happening during the day… “

Dr. Bourish wrote something down on her notepad that she had with her at every session. 

“Anything else?”

Dan shook his head.

“Was there anything that seemed to trigger these day-terrors?” Her kind eyes now seemed intruding for some reason Dan couldn’t place. 

“I fell.”

There were only two more minutes left and Dan was silently counting down the seconds till he could go. 

“Is there anything you haven’t told me yet, Dan?”

How did she know?

Tears started to pool in his eyes and Dan tugged on his sleeves, pulling them over his fingertips. 

He shook his head again.

“Dan?” He slowly worked up the courage to look her in the eye. “Would it be okay if you showed me your arms? Would that be alright?”

Dan decided to play it dumb and hold out his arms still covered by his jumper. 

“Would it be okay to roll them up, Dan?” Her voice echoed in his mind and his mind panicked. 

“No!” His voiced raised by an octave, and it was very obvious what he was hiding, but it scared Dan to show anybody.

Not even Phil knew.

“Okay, that’s alright; you don’t have to. Is there any reason that you don’t want me to see your arms?”

He bit his lip as he flushed scarlet, but didn’t say anything, now refusing to look at her face. 

“How about this? I’m not going to make you do anything that you’re uncomfortable with but I want you to think on this. If you don’t let me know what the problems are I’m not going to be able to help fix them, do you see what I mean?” 

Dan nodded his head.

“Okay, that’s all for today; I’ll see you in two days, Dan.” A sad smile slouched on her face as she stood and shook his hand before exiting, giving him a few minutes to collect himself before leaving. 

There was no way he would let her see his arms. Or any of his cuts. Ever. 

 

\----------------------

 

When he got home he had pulled himself together enough and as he opened the door Phil smacked into him with a bearhug, causing Dan to almost fall over. 

“My god Phil, calm down! I was only gone for an hour!”

“Do you want to go out tonight?” It was hard for Dan to hear cause his face was now buried in Phil’s jumper, breathing in his scent but Dan nodded, having heard enough of the phrase to understand. 

“Just let me change and I’ll be ready.”

A mischievous twinkle in Phil’s eyes caught Dan’s attention. 

“Wha-?”

And with that Phil scooped Dan into his arms, with Dan only half-heartedly telling Phil to put him down, and carried him inside, laying him down on his bed and kissing him. 

It could have been minutes or it could have been days, but by the time they broke their kiss there was no denying that much time had passed by how much darker the sky outside had gotten.

“Are you sure you want to go out? I mean we could just stay in tonight… “ A smile climbed onto Phil’s beautiful face with Dan’s not-so-innocent offer.

“I was kind of hoping to go get pizza but if that’s what you want I would happily oblige.”

Dan opened his mouth to speak but his stomach beat him in the race, growling with hunger. 

Phil laughed before speaking; “Pizza it is!”

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Phil

*1 day before Dan was released from the hospital*

“Are you excited?!” Jen squealed in his ear after telling her that Dan was being released tomorrow.

“Are you kidding me? ‘Excited’ doesn’t even start to explain how I’m feeling!” Phil was so happy to be leaving the hospital and all the bad memories it brought behind. But then a  
thought came accross his mind, turning the warm buz in his veins to turn into a terrfying shock. 

“What is it, Phil?” 

After being in the hospital for almost a month now, Jen had easily become an expert of reading Phil’s feelings, no matter how hard he tried to hide them. 

“What if I can’t do it?” Phil said, shaking his head.

“Come on Phil, I’m not good at solving riddles, you gotta give me some more… “

“What if I can’t help him? What if things just get worse?”

Jen’s arms wrapped around Phil’s shoulders. It wasn’t the first time she had hugged him, and neither of them were attracted to each other; but it still made Phil bristle feeling the difference between her arms and Dan’s.

“Hey, hey- it’s okay! Calm down… big breaths; in and out… in and out.” Phil did as he was instructed and only after his breathing calmed down did he realize that he had started crying. “It’s gonna be okay hon’ , look, you have my email already, and if you ever need help, I’ll be there; okay?” She had stopped hugging him now, but was still holding his arms and looking him in the eye, as if she were trying to stop him from running away. 

That’s what Phil wanted to do right now. 

Just run away and pretend that none of this had ever happened. The only thing that kept him there, at the hospital, was that he loved Dan. He loved him so much and if Phil were to walk away, he would lose Dan. 

Dan!

“Oh! Dan is still waiting for me to bring him his food,” Phil glanced at the hospital cafeteria tray and pulled it into his arms from off the counter. 

“Well don’t leave him waiting any longer!” Jen lightly shoved Phil’s shoulder to make him speed up as he continued down the hall.

Two doors before Dan’s he heard crying. It wasn’t a voice that he recognized and Phil’s heart dropped to the floor when he realized it was a child. 

A child!

Phil kept walking closer and pretty soon was standing outside of the door that the crying was coming from. 

Not trying to intrude, Phil peeked in, but not enough to be seen and when he saw that there was no one else in the room he stepped into view. 

“Hey, are you okay?”

The girl that was on the bed was in a hospital gown that seemed to drain all the color from her skin. She had no hair, and Phil assumed she was a cancer patient.

“Of course not! Look at me I’m hideous! I hate myself!” 

Sadness struck at his heart, remembering all the recent times Dan had muttered those same three words. 

‘I hate myself’

“Stop lying to yourself; you’re beautiful!” And she was, although she looked drained, and didn’t have any hair atop her head, she was still amazing. She had green eyes that peeked with curiosity, eyes that saw knowledge, and a beautiful smile Phil realized as her lips peaked upwards. 

Phil loved children. 

If he could have one wish it would be to have a child to call his own. Someone to look after. Someone to cradle when they cried. 

Now that he thought of it, he already did that all for Dan. 

A chuckle made its way past his throat. 

“Thank you…” The girl’s tears had stopped falling and her skin received some new color, blushing with the compliment. 

After a few more minutes of making sure she wasn’t going to burst out sobbing again, Phil left to see Dan. 

 

\------------

 

“Took you bloody long enough!” Dan said with a short laugh. “How many people did you talk to?” Dan asked, knowing how easily distracted Phil could be.

“Why would you assume I was talking?” Phil feigned innocence horribly.

Dan cocked his head and gave him the one eyebrow raise of come-on-we-both-know-you’re-lying; the look that Dan had mastered after knowing Phil for so many years. 

“Okay fine! Two. I only talked to two people.” 

Dan mumbled something along the lines of ‘better than last time’ but Phil couldn’t pin exactly what was said. 

“I think what you mean is ‘thank you oh gracious lord Phil-I would never survive without you, with how lazy I am and all. Hey- ouch!” 

Dan laughed before taking the tray out of Phil’s hands. “Do I have to start calling you that now?” Dan said mockingly but immediately regretted it when he saw the twinkle in Phil’s eyes meaning mischief. “Oh god. I should not have said that!” Quietly cursing himself, Dan went back to the bed and flopped down, almost spilling the pasta and sauce that was on top of it. 

 

\------

 

“I want to give it some time.” Dan wiped the last of the tomato sauce off his chin as Phil spoke. “Even just a month or two; I just need time.” Phil’s voice shook from nervousness.

Dan nodded his head in understanding. “I feel the same.” 

It had been a while since they had last talked about their relationship-what they were, what they were going to be, etc. But they had finally both agreed to put off the engagement. After all- Dan hadn’t fully proposed, just left Phil a ring. 

Phil wanted it to be perfect.

They both did. 

And so it wasn’t hard for either of them to decided that even just a month away would be better timing. 

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?” Phil asked.

“Yeah, but it feels nice to have you say it again.”

“You’re amazing.” A blush spread across Dan’s face like it usually did when Phil complimented him and Phil, even after years of seeing that face, still found it immensely adorable when Dan blushed. 

 

\-----------

 

///Time warp///

*present day* (or night) 

Silence. It was strange. Almost every night Dan had woken Phil up screaming or crying from the nightmares. 

But not tonight.

Phil’s stomach grumbled unhappily after having had so much dairy with the pizza as Phil rolled over and reached for Dan. 

But he wasn’t there.

Phil sat up and opened his eyes; the bed was empty save himself. 

Where could he be?

Phil got out of bed and groggily made his way around the apartment, only to find the bathroom light on. 

He was just about to head back to bed when he heard a quiet sob come from the bathroom. 

“Hey Dan, you okay?”

The sobbing immediately stopped and Phil could clearly detect the lie in Dan’s words as he said “Yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t everything be okay?”

“Dan?” Phil could hear rustling; Dan was trying to hide something. “Would you open the door for me?”

“Hmm? What was that?” More rustling. They both knew that Dan had clearly heard him and was stalling. 

“Dan, open the door.”

The faucet turned on.

“Just a minute, Phil.” It took two minutes and fourteen seconds for Dan to finally open the door, and the tear stains were still very evident that something was wrong. “See? Everything’s okay, Philly”

“Dan, what’s going on?” Phil’s voice wavered slightly out of fear for his boyfriend.

“Phil, it’s nothing; let’s just go back to bed.” Dan pointed to the bed and that’s when Phil noticed the slow growing red splotches on Dan’s grey sweatshirt. 

“Oh my god! Dan, you’re bleeding!” Phil reached for Dan’s arm but Dan pulled it away.

“It’s nothing, okay? Let’s just go back to bed.” Dan repeated more harshly this time. 

“What’s going on? Bear, you’re scaring me… “

Dan was crying again, and Phil enveloped him in a hug, and eventually working up the courage to try to take Dan’s hand. Dan clearly didn’t understand what Phil was trying to do cause he gave Phil his hand freely. 

Slowly, Phil raised Dan’s arm until it was at eye level; Dan still hadn’t realized. 

Phil could now clearly make out every single cut on Dan’s arm.

“Dan…?” 

Dan took his head from Phil’s neck and looked at his face, then to his arm, which he quickly stole back to himself. 

“Dan, what’s going on?” Now tears were falling down Phil’s face as well. 

“Phil… I- … I-” Dan’s legs gave out and Phil barely caught him before his knees touched the ground. 

Phil sat on the floor next to him and gave him another hug. “Oh, Bear… “ 

 

\-----------------

 

Dan eventually fell asleep in Phil’s arms on the floor and Phil scooped him up and laid him underneath the covers.

Did he seem lighter than usual?

Phil dismissed the thought as he pulled out his phone, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep any time soon. Skimming through his contacts he quickly tapped on the name he was looking for.

No more than a few minutes later the voice of Dan’s mother filled his head.

“Phil, is everything alright?”

Phil’s sob answered the question well enough. “I’m sorry it’s so late-I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Philip, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Dan… “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll be posting chapters every week most likely on Mondays and possibly Thursdays/Fridays //no promises though XD//  
> kudos and comments are deeply appreciated,  
> by writing this I am not claiming that  
> 1) Dan is suicidal or ever has been  
> 2) Dan and Phil are in a romantic relationship  
> 3) Dan self-harms  
> /// Will probs have chapter 6 up in around 5 days...sorry for the wait--but not really sorry cause I need the time and I write really slow so deal with it. ///  
> Sorry for ending this chapter so ubruptly!!  
> Once again thanks for viewing! I'll be back next week! <3 u all!


	6. Please read

So a small you guys have noticed I havent uploaded in a LONG time but I'm going to be ending this fic  
I will be rewriting this so don't give up on me but recently I actually experienced this same situation and a lot of my information here is really wrong so I'll be rewriting this fic to more fully give the truth--make sure to double check my account works to be able to read the redo of this...sorry it's been so long

\--- Im in the process of rewriting it right now so i'll probably just delete this chapter once I've gotten past here but yeah its nothing like it was before -


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